#heartmamadiaries | TO BE TRULY GLAD

Being pregnant with a little heart baby can be really lonely. I am the only person in this world who knows my baby, who feels his every movement, and is constantly reminded of the inevitable: the day is soon approaching when Iver will have to leave the safety of my womb, and enter the world as a sick baby. The reality of the situation is constantly with me, as constant as I carry him every moment of every day. And I am the only one.

I can't expect anyone to feel the way I feel. Sure, our family and friends are heartbroken right along with us, and I don't want to dismiss or minimize their feelings, but I really don't think anything compares to a mother's heart. Anything. With every little move that Iver makes, I am reminded of him. With every twinge of back pain, every episode of heartburn, every time I have to wake up and pee in the night, and every glimpse of my ever-growing belly, I am reminded of him. I am reminded that his heart is broken. I am reminded that he will need open heart surgery to survive. I am reminded that I may not get to hold him when he is born. I am reminded that our new temporary home will be the NICU. 

it.

is.
hard.

I can't even imagine the emotions I will be feeling during labour, let alone when I need to hand him off to the medical staff. Let alone when he will be transferred to another hospital and I will not.

But you know what? Even though at moments I have envied you, you who are not carrying around the same weight as I (figuratively and literally), I give thanks.

Because although my heart may be heavy, it is FULL.

Iver is mine. God chose me to be his one and only mother when He created this world! Only me. It is an honour, a privilege, and a gift to be his mama.

Our church was going through a church-wide study on Philippians when we found out about Iver's condition. Let me tell you, it is MUCH easier to say "Amen!" to having joy in all circumstances when your circumstances are pretty average. Throw a CHD into the middle of your life and finding that constant joy certainly becomes a struggle.

For a while I was really feeling guilty for not feeling joyful all the time. Like I was somehow failing. But that's such a lie. I've learned that having joy in all circumstances isn't about being happy and cheerful every second of my life.

It's about having JOY in the LORD.

I can be crying my heart and eyes out and still be joyful in Him. For He is GOOD. I can feel like my heart is being ripped to pieces for my baby, but still raise my hands and praise The Creator. He has proved that He is on my side, and I can joyfully trust in Him during times of sorrow. Does that sound backwards to you? Maybe it does, or maybe you already know this unexplainable joy. If you don't know it, my hope is that you find it. That you find Jesus and the hope that He promises us!

1 Peter 1:6 says:

"So be truly glad. 
There is wonderful joy ahead, even though 
you must endure many trials for a little while."

This. This is what I cling to. When the lies are trying to pull me down, this is the TRUTH that I hold on to.

It doesn't mean that I don't cry. It doesn't mean that I am not heartbroken. Because, oh, I am completely heartbroken. But it does means that I have HOPE. I can be truly glad that Iver is in the Lord's hands. I can trust that there is wonderful joy ahead, despite the knowledge that there are many trials to come. Soon. Most days I wish I could do something to stop it. I wish I could mend Iver's heart. I wish this wasn't happening. But I know there is no use. There is absolutely no use in spending my time and wasting my thoughts on such things. The only useful things I can do are hope and pray.

Will you join me? Will you hope and pray with us?

For that, I would be truly glad.


Please Pray For:

• A room for us at the Ronald McDonald House
• Funding from the Kinsmen Telemiracle Foundation
• Thaddeus & Juliet as we prepare to be separated for weeks
• Continued focus on and hope in God's truth
• The best possible outcome for baby Iver
• A short stay at the NICU

To see the previous post update about Iver, click HERE.

#heartmamadiaries | BABY IVER UPDATE (32 WEEKS)

On Sunday night we packed the kids in the van and drove 2.5 hours to Edmonton, where the Ronald McDonald House was able to set us up at a hotel for the night at a special reduced rate. The next morning, Mark dropped me off to head to a full morning of appointments, and took the kids to an indoor playground where they had a fantastic time!

Appointments & Diagnosis Update (with links)

My first appointment was with my OB, and everything went really well. He still plans to induce me between 39-40 weeks, and we're keeping Monday, August 22nd in our minds as the most likely date. Afterwards, I had an ultrasound, and Iver is looking great! He is growing wonderfully in all other areas expect for his heart. No surprises, and no changes, and lots of praise to God for that! Iver is in the 50th percentile for growth, which is perfectly average. He currently weighs about 4.5lbs.

My third appointment of the morning was a fetal echochardiogram (a fancy name for an ultrasound that focuses on the fetal heart). I spoke with the cardiologist about the results, and he is almost 100% certain that Iver has Truncus Arteriosus with an Interrupted Aortic Arch. Again, slightly different diagnosis than last time, but they are much more certain. Click HERE for the latest detailed information (as of July 4) on his diagnosis, and what life will look like for him in the first few hours and weeks after birth.

Mark and the kids met me back at the hospital after my echo was completed, and we all attended our multidisciplinary meeting. We spoke with a perinatologist (an obstetrical specialist concerned with the care of the mother and fetus at higher-than-normal risk for complications), the cardiologist, neonatologist (doctor who will take care of me and Iver after birth) and the neonatal social worker. It was very informative and we both feel as prepared as we can be for what is to come. And, thanks primarily to Happy Meals, the kids were amazing during the meeting! Thank you for everyone who prayed specifically for that!

What’s Next?

We are on the waiting list for the Ronald McDonald House, expecting to arrive at the very beginning of August, when I am 36 weeks along. That's only 4 weeks from now! I will be happy to get settled in and be close to the hospital just in case I were to go into labour a tad early. Although, I'm really not expecting to, as I went beyond full-term with Thaddeus and Juliet!

Our Social worker told us about the Kinsmen Telemiracle Foundation, which we have decided we will apply to. Here's part of what they do:

"When people can’t access the level of care they need at home, they must often travel to health care facilities in other parts of the province or country. And while the medical procedures are covered by health care, the patients and their families must pay for their own travel, meals and accommodations. By easing the financial strain, the Kinsmen Foundation allows families to focus on what only they can provide – love and care."

Of course, we hope that our application will be accepted to help offset some of the costs coming our way.

Please Pray For Us

• For a healthy and peaceful third trimester and a complication-free birth
• For Iver to be stable when he is born, and to be able to breath on his own
• For us to be able to hold Iver, if only for a few minutes, before he is transferred to the Stollery
• For a spot to be available to us at the Ronald McDonald House
• For our application to be accepted to the Kinsmen Telemiracle Foundation
• For the medical team who will be working with and operating on Iver

To see the previous post about Iver, click HERE.