Being pregnant with a little heart baby can be really lonely. I am the only person in this world who knows my baby, who feels his every movement, and is constantly reminded of the inevitable: the day is soon approaching when Iver will have to leave the safety of my womb, and enter the world as a sick baby. The reality of the situation is constantly with me, as constant as I carry him every moment of every day. And I am the only one.
I can't expect anyone to feel the way I feel. Sure, our family and friends are heartbroken right along with us, and I don't want to dismiss or minimize their feelings, but I really don't think anything compares to a mother's heart. Anything. With every little move that Iver makes, I am reminded of him. With every twinge of back pain, every episode of heartburn, every time I have to wake up and pee in the night, and every glimpse of my ever-growing belly, I am reminded of him. I am reminded that his heart is broken. I am reminded that he will need open heart surgery to survive. I am reminded that I may not get to hold him when he is born. I am reminded that our new temporary home will be the NICU.
hard.
I can't even imagine the emotions I will be feeling during labour, let alone when I need to hand him off to the medical staff. Let alone when he will be transferred to another hospital and I will not.
But you know what? Even though at moments I have envied you, you who are not carrying around the same weight as I (figuratively and literally), I give thanks.
it.
is.hard.
I can't even imagine the emotions I will be feeling during labour, let alone when I need to hand him off to the medical staff. Let alone when he will be transferred to another hospital and I will not.
But you know what? Even though at moments I have envied you, you who are not carrying around the same weight as I (figuratively and literally), I give thanks.
Because although my
heart may be heavy, it
is FULL.
Iver is mine. God chose me to be his one and only mother when He created this world! Only me. It is an honour, a privilege, and a gift to be his mama.
Our church was going through a church-wide study on Philippians when we found out about Iver's condition. Let me tell you, it is MUCH easier to say "Amen!" to having joy in all circumstances when your circumstances are pretty average. Throw a CHD into the middle of your life and finding that constant joy certainly becomes a struggle.
For a while I was really feeling guilty for not feeling joyful all the time. Like I was somehow failing. But that's such a lie. I've learned that having joy in all circumstances isn't about being happy and cheerful every second of my life.
Our church was going through a church-wide study on Philippians when we found out about Iver's condition. Let me tell you, it is MUCH easier to say "Amen!" to having joy in all circumstances when your circumstances are pretty average. Throw a CHD into the middle of your life and finding that constant joy certainly becomes a struggle.
For a while I was really feeling guilty for not feeling joyful all the time. Like I was somehow failing. But that's such a lie. I've learned that having joy in all circumstances isn't about being happy and cheerful every second of my life.
It's about having JOY
in the LORD.
I can be crying my heart and eyes out and still be joyful in Him. For He is GOOD. I can feel like my heart is being ripped to pieces for my baby, but still raise my hands and praise The Creator. He has proved that He is on my side, and I can joyfully trust in Him during times of sorrow. Does that sound backwards to you? Maybe it does, or maybe you already know this unexplainable joy. If you don't know it, my hope is that you find it. That you find Jesus and the hope that He promises us!
1 Peter 1:6 says:
This. This is what I cling to. When the lies are trying to pull me down, this is the TRUTH that I hold on to.
It doesn't mean that I don't cry. It doesn't mean that I am not heartbroken. Because, oh, I am completely heartbroken. But it does means that I have HOPE. I can be truly glad that Iver is in the Lord's hands. I can trust that there is wonderful joy ahead, despite the knowledge that there are many trials to come. Soon. Most days I wish I could do something to stop it. I wish I could mend Iver's heart. I wish this wasn't happening. But I know there is no use. There is absolutely no use in spending my time and wasting my thoughts on such things. The only useful things I can do are hope and pray.
Will you join me? Will you hope and pray with us?
For that, I would be truly glad.
Please Pray For:
1 Peter 1:6 says:
"So be truly glad.
There is wonderful joy ahead, even though
you must endure many trials for a little while."
There is wonderful joy ahead, even though
you must endure many trials for a little while."
This. This is what I cling to. When the lies are trying to pull me down, this is the TRUTH that I hold on to.
It doesn't mean that I don't cry. It doesn't mean that I am not heartbroken. Because, oh, I am completely heartbroken. But it does means that I have HOPE. I can be truly glad that Iver is in the Lord's hands. I can trust that there is wonderful joy ahead, despite the knowledge that there are many trials to come. Soon. Most days I wish I could do something to stop it. I wish I could mend Iver's heart. I wish this wasn't happening. But I know there is no use. There is absolutely no use in spending my time and wasting my thoughts on such things. The only useful things I can do are hope and pray.
Will you join me? Will you hope and pray with us?
For that, I would be truly glad.
Please Pray For:
- A room for us at the Ronald McDonald House
- Funding from the Kinsmen Telemiracle Foundation
- Thaddeus & Juliet as we prepare to be separated for weeks
- Continued focus on and hope in God's truth
- The best possible outcome for baby Iver
- A short stay at the NICU
To see the previous post update about Iver, click HERE.
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